I Can't Do This Anymore

I really really can't do this anymore. I can't handle my thoughts. They scare me and control me and I don't know what to do. I'm crying and all I did was eat a meal. ONE MEAL. And I spent the day walking around the mall and then at practice. Like I am so happy during certain times but times like now I'm just miserable. I ate breakfast at 2 in the fucking morning so that I could exercise right after and have it pretty much gone by the time I woke up and not have to deal with it. I literally ran on a muffin (at 2 am) and then a smoothie until 8 pm. And for the most part like I felt totally fine. Practice didn't even faze me. But now that I've eaten, I can't handle it. Like I might as well have eaten 3000 calories today. And Sarah and I were texting because someone I know told me the saying "eat breakfast, share lunch, give dinner to those that you hate". And she was like no Barbara that's not right. And then we calculated approx. BMI and discovered that mine isn't exactly in the high or even middle of the healthy area which was not ok in her book. Like at all. She's going to be so on my butt now till I'm at a "healthy" number. Even though I am. Like I am at a much healthier BMI than I would like. If it wouldn;t get me sent away or make stop having to do things, I would get below 100 in a second. But that can't happen. Ugh. I just need someone to hold me and tell me everything will be ok and stand with me. Walk this with me. Crawl it. Whatever. But not just sit and watch. I feel so alone already. I don't know what to fucking do anymore. ughhhh.