Peer pressure such been such a bitch lately. Like okay sure I don't trust my treatment team but I don't even know if that's my actual feeling about it. Emme has been so big on telling me how awful Bobbi and Talya are and like the things she says kinda make sense but also feel wrong in my heart. Like they have been such major parts of this whole shitty process and have yet to leave me unlike her. So, I mean, it makes sense for me to trust them and not her but that's not what is happening!?! It is like a serious pattern lately of talking to not so great people and watching eating disorder videos and not being honest with people. I know I should trust my gut...but what if it's wrong? Then I am screwed for forever. ughhhhhhhhh.
I'm not physically trapped or anything but I might as well be. Everything feels smaller and tighter. Everything. From clothing to my thoughts to places. I just feel so trapped and stuck. And I feel out of place. Like when I look in the mirror, I don't see myself. I don't recognize the person in the mirror. I just see a person staring at me. My body feels so foreign. Even normal things feel like I;m not actually connected to them. It is so weird. It's like I don't belong trapped in this fat gigantic body. I hate this so fucking much.
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