I AM SO CONFUSED

Ok. So, I get that starvation is like my thing but why am I so good at it? Not eating over a 1000 calories so just damn easy. And like I know the whole "you never know how sick you are until you try to recover" thing but I didn't think I was this sick. Like wow. I fell so fast. But It's nice to know that I have a solid support system. I was talking to Kristin (who owns the gym) today and was saying how Mr.Daniil told me and Kristen how we could lose a size and she said that that is definitely a red flag and WAY too old school and rude. And Sarah is so not okay with it and wants me to try and double my intake..which isn't too bad. Like 1400ish. I think she knows that I can't like jump from 680 to 2500. So, I appreciated that. She even texted me till like 1045 tonight and she hasn't done that in forever and looked proud of me at practice. We are getting on good terms again I think and I love it. I missed it so much. I told her how my pants are big and they're size two so if I lost a size...I would be near like a 00. Which she called gross to quote her but maybe that's a normal reaction? To me it kinda sounds like a dream come true. After all...who needs an eating disorder when you have an old school gymnastics coach? haha. I love that. But anyway, I asked her I am supposed to gain weight (especially after I promised someone that I wouldn't get my BMI over 19.5...she said that that is one of the promises you are supposed to break but idk) and she said to basically just eat a lot of carbs. Shocker. She loves carbs. LOVES them. I guess I could try. I've kinda been trying to avoid having them too often but I guess that's not really an option anymore. It's nice to feel so cared about. Especially because like I re-earned that from her. It wasn't just given. Anyway, if I can't compete at Columbia then I am competing for Mr.Daniil so that should be interesting. But like I'll still be working at Columbia so I'm sure I'll be safe. hopefully....