Dear People Who Can See This

Hello Bobbi and Talya. This one is for you. And considering that we are the only three people who can read it...I think you'll be ok with everything I write. But either way this is my blog so get over it.

It's time to be really up-front about some things in my life. And about some things that I don't like or do like. This post is all about honesty for you two. Congrats. Feel special. Let's begin with easy stuff. This first list is titled: Things to Please Not Assume.

1. That I am struggling less or more than I say
2. That I have a better perspective now than I used to
3. That I can just not use two behaviors on less than a 24 hour notice
4. That I can see how things are detrimental
5. That I believe in full recovery (I don't)
6. That I am not trying
7. That because I can text you, I am not totally freaking out. I probably am.
8. No I do not try and create health problems

That is all for now on that list. This next paragraph or so, I will discuss two things that we have pretty much avoided in all sessions since the beginning. This is not your fault considering that by the time I met you two, these were pretty much obsolete and therefore unnecessary to discuss. However, they are now back and important.

Number one. Exercising in the middle of the night. I pretty much stopped this is SP. However, the idea and act are sorta back. Which is really really scary to me because I remember the mental withdrawal from that. It took like my entire inpatient stay and lots of nurses watching me. I figure the best way to explain how it worked then as how it would probably occur now would be to simply explain what a normal night looked like back then. Hang tight. Here we go.

For the most part I ate exactly 300 calories a day or half of that or fasted. My numbers were extremely exact. Always. Once my family would go to sleep, the exercise would start. It would 800-1000 sit-ups, and then exactly half of that number in squats and then half of that in push-ups. It would then be 3 30 second hollow holds and arch holds. Next came 500 heel raises on both feet and then 250 on each. If my body wasn't in physical pain then I would start over. My rule was that I couldn't go to sleep until my legs and stomach hurt just from being touched. If I woke up later in the morning and wasn't sore then I would have to do more the next time. I also exercised around stores, in school, while my parents were out. All I did was exercise. And I had too. 

The other night wasn't this bad. But for the most part I did follow the same patter. Just with lower numbers. And I still feel bad for not doing as much as I could have. So yeah. There's that.

The second thing I want to talk about is something we have briefly covered. Which is the fact that I say that my period makes me not want to eat anything. Which is kinda a huge lie. It makes me want to eat everything but is a great excuse to eat nothing because I already feel immeasurable guilt from having my period. Like I cannot even describe how awful it feels to know that I am fat enough to have one. Eating just makes it worse.

Lastly, please do not say you are walking with me through this unless you actually understand what I feel. Because it's ok if you don't. But pretending to be walking it with me when you are actually just watching...hurts.

thanks for reading.