I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

Things are going wrong at the moment.

- school (I'm basically failing half my classes)
- religion (I'm eating on Yom Kippur)
- recovery (I was literally just told that I'm a hopeless case)

I don't know what to do anymore. Part of me really really wants to go away to treatment and get away from everything and focus on myself. Hell. I don't even want to be in college right now. I never wanted to go from high school directly to college. But that's life. So here I am. Assignments are taking me twice as long as they are supposed to. My mind is beyond tired. I'm working. I'm practicing. I'm trying to keep some sanity. But it's not working. I can't just up and leave life tho. I've made commitments to myself and to other people. My team doesn't think I need treatment. So obviously I don't. Ugh. I feel guilty as fuck for eating today. Like it's not even remotely allowed. And just no. A therapist basically pointed out how history proves I can't recover. Which really didn't help my slightly ambivalent mindset. I just want to sleep. I want everything to stop. I want to be back in high school and just be a student and a gymnast. And I was actually offered a semi opportunity like that. But it's in Texas. And that doesn't work. I don't know what to do anymore. I really need a hug and someone to talk to. Or something like that. Asdfghjkl. Oh and to top it all off, someone in class the other day asked if I knew that I am what every American should want to be. Which apparently meant "smart, skinny, pretty and athletic". Look at that a pure bred American. Awesome. It was an awful conversation.